I am not hungry...

Having not eaten anything for the past 21 hours at least, I should feel hungry. Strangely, I am not. I survived on water.

My current bad cough and bad shoulder might have contributed to the fact, but I believe the main reason is because of my mental state.

I remember last weekend, I spend the night drinking and not getting drunk. I don't know how that happened. All I remember is that I wanted to keep on drinking to a state I just forget everything.

Last night, I wanted to find someone to talk to so badly, only to realized that there isn't many of them in which I am willing to talk to. And those whom I wished to talk to are not available.

I felt so lost. What am I doing to myself? I am supposed to love myself, but what is happening around me do not warrant me to love myself. Humans are filled with emotions. No doubt we shouldn't let our emotions affect our decision, but it is simply not that simple.

Have you ever lost someone you love? If you do, do you remember how long you grief? Do you recall that feeling of sorrow?

That feeling is renewed everyday! Each day, I gave myself false hope, only to be hit by reality that she is not coming back to me. It is like getting disappointed over and over again for the same thing. And to those who says it will soon get easier, I am sorry to tell you that it is not. It hurts much more each time.

This morning, I woke up to tears, not much but enough to know I cried. I don't know why. Could it be because I dreamed of something? I can't remember. I am really on the brink of a emotional breakdown, so much so that I can feel that it is coming.

Therefore, I have decided to have another talk with her tonight. I will tell her everything I wanted to tell her. And after that, I will let her go, forever. I believe that is for the best for me, her and her new love. Let me be the one who at least able to make her happy by granting her my blessings.

That is the last thing I can do for her while I am still around for I am not sure I can still carry on living without her.

Lost,
andromedia.

If she only knew...

Today felt like the longest, toughest day of my life just yet. I have against my heart told her to leave me, a place once we called home for a guy whom she like now this morning.

The truth is, I want her to stay, to stay by me forever, and I shall provide her with all my heart, my soul, my love and my care. I tried telling her directly, but she rejected me.

I am lost. I admit that I was wrong in the past, but don't I really deserved a second chance? I have never for once been disloyal to her, something I believe no woman should feel. I might have hurt her feelings but I dare to swore to the all the mighty powers out there, I have never for once intended to hurt her. Unfortunately, I might have done that indirectly.

No guys can accept the fact that the girl they love goes out with another guy. Each time she goes out with him, my heart felt so painful as if someone just wrapped my heart in their palm and squeezed it with all their might. I meant that almost literally. It hurts that much.

At midnight, it marks the Mooncake Festival, or the Chinese Valentine's Day, and she is spending it with him. That hurts so much but I am unable to show it to her. I know if I do, not only that she will not feel anything but instead, she will only feel sorry for me and perhaps a little suffering on her side for making me feeling such misery.

Therefore, I chose to hide them. All I can do is to tell the world through the Internet, but while I am doing it, no one is reading simply because I told no one about this. I am just writing this so that I felt I told someone. At least someone knows what I am going through.

I am not asking for pity nor help. No one in this world can help me nor should they help me. I was the reason she has a change of heart, so I want to be the only reason she returns. There are already people around her influencing her to leave me. I don't want anyone I know to do the same for her to return to me.

The problem is, for each day she is with him, the more offended I become. For reason I mentioned earlier, I can't accept the fact that she falls for another guy while we were still together. It doesn't matter if she has not accepted him back then, but I felt cheated.

I want to win her back fast, but she claimed I was rushing things. How can I tell her how I feel? I tried telling directly and indirectly, but she refused to listen.

Have I really lost her?  Is there nothing I can do to win her back? Despite the fact I have realized all my mistakes and am trying my best to improve myself, have I not deserve a chance?

If all the above is true, then what is the meaning of me living my life anymore? I have for the last 7 years planned my life with her. Now that she is no longer part of my life, do I still have a reason to live on?

To be honest, I don't see myself strong enough to carry on living without her. So, if there is any other reason for me to live on, please, to any mighty powers out there, please return her to me.

I will swear to love her with all my heart, till the end of time.

Sincerely,
andromedia.

Mooncake Festival... Chinese Valentine's Day...

As much as I would love to celebrate this meaningful day with her, I was devastated when she told me she is going on a trip to Kuala Selangor with him (and some other friends) tonight, coming back only tomorrow.

Many may think that I am not romantic. Fact is I admit to that. I used to be, at the very least. My past relationship changed me. Again, I am blaming anyone but just to put things straight why am I me today.

It's a really sad day. It felt like I have broke up with her again for the second time today. It hurts... it really hurts. It hurts so deep that I did my best to hold back tears.

While I am not exactly sure if what I did was right, but what I do know is that I don't really have a choice. She has stated that there will be no chance between us. She also mentioned that she is happy with him. What else need to be said?

With me, she rushes home after a quick dinner or drink, citing missing her pet dog as the reason. But when she is with her friends and/or him, she returns home late at night, only to pet her pet dog a little before going into her room to shower and sleep.

I don't know. I might be wrong. But she is happier with him rather than with me. Since that is already a fact, why am I still struggling to win her back, only to know that no matter what I do, it will not work? Her heart is dead, well, at least her feelings towards me is. Nothing in this world could change that.

The least I could do for her now is to give her my blessings; for her to find her happiness with someone who cares for her, love her unconditionally and protect her from all harm. She is a very naive and vulnerable girl. She has been protected and cared for all her life. As much as I wanted to see her being independent, she still need someone to guide her and protect her in the mean time.

On this Chinese Valentine's Day, I would like to renew my love for her and declare to the world how much I cared and loved her. I know she is gone, but only in person, never in memories.

I will still do my best to care and protect her in a distance. I can't be too involved anymore, not with my new status as an ex-boyfriend. As a guy, I know how much we dislike the fact that the person you love is seeing another guy whom is interested in winning your love's heart.

My love, please do take care of yourself always and may you find true happiness with him. I am sorry I have let you down all these years, but I just want you to know, I never did stop loving you. I will continue to love you, to care for you and to protect you from a distance to ensure you are safe from harm.

Happy Mooncake Festival and Happy Chinese Valentine's Day! Enjoy your trip with him...

Love always,
andromedia.

The first day...

Today marks the first day of my life after 7 years of being in a relationship, and tried to salvage the relationship.

A series or text messages thru and fro between me and her marks the end of our relationship. Trust me when I tell you that it hurts deeply. However, surprisingly, I shed no tears this time around. Yes, there were tears lingering at the corner of my eyes during the text-session, but as soon as it is over, so did the tears.

I realized that she was long gone before the conversation even begins. She only held on that long because she was worried of what I would have done if she left all of a sudden. Well, I did attempted to end my life.

Having a bad cough for the last couple of days, I decided to sleep in early yesterday, only to wake up to a bloody nose and even worse cough. I can even feel a little fever, with no appetite to eat. That is not good. I know it.

However, while I know that health is above everything else, I am still capable of working. I need to get things rolling and over and done with. There are simply too many outstanding and long overdue items which require my attention.

As long as I am still capable to sit in my office to finish them, I will. This is not because I am stubborn nor being a workaholic. It is the sense of responsibility. I am being entrusted with a task; to ensure the smooth operations of the Project Management Office and the general upkeep of the building. I will ensure that the trust vested in me are worthwhile.

Coming to think of it, 7 years has gone by and I felt bad that I barely knew her anymore. Maybe I have been trying to hard to change her into someone better, someone I wanted. That's wrong. Despite the fact she can use a little improvement, my method is wrong.

I don't really know her as well as I think I do. This is simply sad. Being with someone for 7 years and you don't even know what's her favorite food, her favorite color, her favorite soft toy...

Unfortunately, everything has come to an end and it is too late for me to do anything about it.

I wish for nothing but happiness for her in her love and life. May she find someone who knows how to love her like I never did and treasure her like how I would if I was being given a second chance.

Her new life just begun and there is much for her to face. She has been protected to a certain extend all her life. I hope she will be continued to be protected while learning on how to be independent.

I will always be there for her whenever she needs me...

Truly me,
andromedia

I broke 4 eggs...

Over the last 7 years, I have scolded her repeatedly over small and petty accidents, accidents which I assumed will never happen to me. I was wrong.

This morning, I broke 4 eggs when they fell onto the floor while I am trying to get the loaf of bread. In the past, I would have blamed someone, came up with some reasons; I wasn't feeling well this morning.

Yes. I wasn't feeling too well this morning. But I did not use that as an excuse. I did not blame anyone as a matter of fact, but simply regard it as an accident. Yes, this accident could have be prevented, but so is every single other accidents out there. The fact that it did happened means it is an accident.

What happened this morning made me realized something more, something that I failed to realized all these years being a human. I realized my tolerance level is extremely low. If only I could suppress my anger for that moment without exploding, things would have turn out differently.

However, what happened today made me realized more than just that. I woke up to many facts and reality of life. It also changed the way I looked at many things.

Now, the question is, will I be able to accept the things I realized today?

Confused,
andromedia

Love yourself first...

"Love yourself first before you learn how to love others"

I have heard this line countless times from movies and such. However, today is the first time it make sense. How can you love someone when you don't know how to love yourself?

I used to "believe" I understand its meaning, well, at least I thought I believe. Honestly, I understand the meaning of the whole sentence but not the meaning it hold. One may do much for someone they love, but what good would that do when you neglected yourself (and probably everyone else) in the process?

A new lesson indeed. Even something as simple as the above statement means differently today.

It might take a while but I am confident that I will prevail. Everything in life takes effort. Even overnight sensation takes plenty of time and effort to practice before becoming who they are.

If you think you can, you can!

Ganbaru yo CK! 你肯定可以做到的！

Sincerely me,
andromedia

Uncertainty...

Life has not been easy, well, at least not after the age of 15. What happened then changed my life forever. Being withdrawn and incapable of show affections was something that I was unaware of until recently, or perhaps I simply chose not to acknowledge it. It was a grave mistake.

My withdrawal and incapability of showing my affections has caused me losing something so precious in my life, something I would actually give my life to. No, it should something that I am willing to forgo my life in exchange for.

Yes. I lost the love of my life. I have no one to blame but myself. I was the reason any of these happened.

I almost leaped off a cliff. I have mustered enough courage to do that, but when I was about to take the final step, I realized that I don't actually have enough courage to do so. Perhaps I would be known as a coward, but trust me when I tell you that you need extra-ordinary courage and will power when it comes to leaping of a certain height. Even at my breaking point, I still couldn't find that courage. I didn't even leave a will simply because I thought I have nothing left to say to anyone.

I was wrong. After hesitating for some time, I leaped off the other side, getting my feet back on the ground. It was then I realized there is much still left for me to tell all the people I cared... all the people I never did told them how much I treasured their presence in my life.

While I understand changes don't happen overnight, I am trying my best to change. It is hard, much harder than I initially thought. I was one hell of a confident person when it comes to things like this. Again, I was wrong. I am not that tough, or rather, not even close to being tough. I put up a tough front to protect the fragile me, the vulnerable me.

I thought by doing so, I will be safe from harm, safe from disappointment and safe from wrong doings. Again, I was so wrong. By doing so, I shut my door to the world, to everyone whom loved and cared for me, putting up with my sickening attitude, or ego as they may call it. Fact is, I know they are right and I chose to further protect myself by hiding behind my imaginary protection suit.

I hurt people whom genuinely offering me their unconditional friendship. Am I being selfish? In the past, I would have said no mainly of the reason stated above; I am protecting myself. Pride, ego and selfish are some common terms describing me hiding behind my shell. But today, I would say no. I have learned things the hard way. I always do. I am a firm believer that what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Today, I am going to start making up to those I have neglected all these while in my life. My friends, my family... my love. I will start by compiling a list of the people I knew I have hurt in the past, and present, at one point or another.

Due to the fact I do not want to make their names public, only the individuals involved will know. I am sorry but I do respect privacy, more than you know. Unless I have their permission, no names will be published.

I know how short life is now. Seeing some of my friends going through rough times and still coping with it well makes me wonder am I that weak. Let me admit. I am that weak. I was protected by my family since young and then further protected by my imaginary protection suit, or shell. Now that I have decided to take them off, it will take a while for me to adapt, much like someone being blind all their life, only to see the daylight for the first time. I will have to take one step at a time; baby-steps.

It's may be a small step to people around me, but I hope they will understand that it is a huge step for me. Please understand what kind of changes I am going through. I seek for nothing but just your understanding.

When I am done, I will be a better person... I hope. But for now, bear with me while I undergo a phase of uncertainty. I can't tell you what I will become nor what I can become, but I can tell you what I am going to be. A friend that I never get to be to you before.

Sincerely me,
andromedia