Uncertainty...

Life has not been easy, well, at least not after the age of 15. What happened then changed my life forever. Being withdrawn and incapable of show affections was something that I was unaware of until recently, or perhaps I simply chose not to acknowledge it. It was a grave mistake.

My withdrawal and incapability of showing my affections has caused me losing something so precious in my life, something I would actually give my life to. No, it should something that I am willing to forgo my life in exchange for.

Yes. I lost the love of my life. I have no one to blame but myself. I was the reason any of these happened.

I almost leaped off a cliff. I have mustered enough courage to do that, but when I was about to take the final step, I realized that I don't actually have enough courage to do so. Perhaps I would be known as a coward, but trust me when I tell you that you need extra-ordinary courage and will power when it comes to leaping of a certain height. Even at my breaking point, I still couldn't find that courage. I didn't even leave a will simply because I thought I have nothing left to say to anyone.

I was wrong. After hesitating for some time, I leaped off the other side, getting my feet back on the ground. It was then I realized there is much still left for me to tell all the people I cared... all the people I never did told them how much I treasured their presence in my life.

While I understand changes don't happen overnight, I am trying my best to change. It is hard, much harder than I initially thought. I was one hell of a confident person when it comes to things like this. Again, I was wrong. I am not that tough, or rather, not even close to being tough. I put up a tough front to protect the fragile me, the vulnerable me.

I thought by doing so, I will be safe from harm, safe from disappointment and safe from wrong doings. Again, I was so wrong. By doing so, I shut my door to the world, to everyone whom loved and cared for me, putting up with my sickening attitude, or ego as they may call it. Fact is, I know they are right and I chose to further protect myself by hiding behind my imaginary protection suit.

I hurt people whom genuinely offering me their unconditional friendship. Am I being selfish? In the past, I would have said no mainly of the reason stated above; I am protecting myself. Pride, ego and selfish are some common terms describing me hiding behind my shell. But today, I would say no. I have learned things the hard way. I always do. I am a firm believer that what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Today, I am going to start making up to those I have neglected all these while in my life. My friends, my family... my love. I will start by compiling a list of the people I knew I have hurt in the past, and present, at one point or another.

Due to the fact I do not want to make their names public, only the individuals involved will know. I am sorry but I do respect privacy, more than you know. Unless I have their permission, no names will be published.

I know how short life is now. Seeing some of my friends going through rough times and still coping with it well makes me wonder am I that weak. Let me admit. I am that weak. I was protected by my family since young and then further protected by my imaginary protection suit, or shell. Now that I have decided to take them off, it will take a while for me to adapt, much like someone being blind all their life, only to see the daylight for the first time. I will have to take one step at a time; baby-steps.

It's may be a small step to people around me, but I hope they will understand that it is a huge step for me. Please understand what kind of changes I am going through. I seek for nothing but just your understanding.

When I am done, I will be a better person... I hope. But for now, bear with me while I undergo a phase of uncertainty. I can't tell you what I will become nor what I can become, but I can tell you what I am going to be. A friend that I never get to be to you before.

Sincerely me,
andromedia